So according to WikiLeaks, Kim Jong-Il asked Clapton to perform in Pyongyang. Apparently, Kim’s younger son is a big fan. Reportedly, Slowhand was considering doing the show as a good-will gesture, but balked at some of the conditions the regime would impose, including those on this list, obtained exclusively by WikiLeaks:

• Dissolute capitalist musician will make good talk of Kim’s wisdom and concern for people.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will make good talk of tour of modern Pyongyang urban setting, happy citizens, yummy barbeque.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will provide phone number of Cheryl Crowe.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will not play “Tears in Heaven” or will face Revolutionary Justice.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will privately recount to the Dear Leader how he wooed Patti Harrison away from wimpy Buddhist Beatle.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will play “Let it Rain” accompanied by the Glorious Flag Dancers of People’s Democratic Army.

• Dissolute capitalist musician must promise not to bring Ringo.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will let the Dear Leader sing “Wonderful Tonight,” with special dedication to Madelaine Albright.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will make good blues names for Kim and sons. “Pyongyang Slim” would be good.

• Dissolute capitalist musician will explain to Glorious Leader what the f*%# happened to his career after Derek & Dominoes.

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