WikiLeaks Revelations Threaten Christmas

Santa Claus and North Pole Security Chief Sningle Slowly take questions Monday about damaging WikiLeaks revelations.

Berkeley CA city council to honor elf that provided classified documents.

The Associated Press

North Pole – With just five days left before Christmas, Santa Claus is “trying to assess the damage” from a massive WikiLeaks document dump that jeopardizes his operations and may force cancellation of Christmas for the first time in hundreds of years.

“We’re still trying to determine just how badly compromised we are,” Claus said during a press conference here Monday morning. “Based on that, we’ll decide whether we can resume operations on Friday.”

While Santa wouldn’t discuss specific information found in the leaked documents, a source close to both the Toy Workshop and Flight Operations Center said the damage is extensive and possibly crippling. “It’s all there – flight plans, intelligence gathering, toy manufacturing processes. In short, no aspect of our operations is untouched.”

Although there are thousands of pages of North Pose documents now on dozens of web sites, the New York Times and the Guardian (UK) have published a roundup of what they call the “most important revelations.” Those include:

  • The naughty/nice lists are compiled using an extensive covert intelligence gathering network that includes wiretapping, electronic eavesdropping, satellite imaging and human informants.
  • Santa’s Christmas Eve flight plan is carefully mapped out weeks in advance, and is subject to intense international diplomacy over use of air space.
  • Despite Santa’s long-standing policy of refusing to negotiate with those on the naughty list, documents show a Christmas Eve 2004 delivery of a RealGirl TM inflatable doll to Kim Jong-Il in Pyongyang as part of a complex deal to get North Korea to cease enriching uranium.
  • In the late 1990s, the long-simmering tension between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exploded over a trade dispute. Then U.S. president Clinton dispatched former U.S. President Jimmy Carter as a special envoy to broker a solution. Carter’s diplomacy came to naught, but war was avoided at the 11th hour when both camps decided they hated Carter more than each other.
  • 10-year-old Josh Harper, 47 Coventry Lane, Evansville, Indiana, is “a bratty little s*&% and there’s no freakin’ way Santa’s bringing him a bike.”

    Bad Elf: Accused leaker Dudley Boying.

North Pole authorities maintain that they are still investigating how and by whom the documents were leaked, but they do acknowledge having an elf in custody. Sources say that elf, 614-year-old Glitterer’s Apprentice Dudley Boying had been passed over for promotions and had been the subject of past disciplinary action.

Although the North Pole hasn’t positively charged Boying with espionage, he’s being hailed as a hero in some quarters. In the city of Berkeley, California, the city council will vote tonight on a resolution honoring Boying.

Berkeley residents, however, are split on the issue. “I was hoping for an eight-CD ‘Prairie Home Companion’ box set,” said Paul Smalls, a social justice and baked goods coordinator at the local food co-op. “I hope I still get it.”

Aromatherapist Whisper Esposito was ambivalent. “I think, like, transparency is, like, good, you know? But I have a cappuccino machine riding on this, so I’m like, I don’t know, you know?

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12 2010

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