Combat troops to get gay sensitivity training—The Washington Times, Feb. 25
From: Commander U.S. Forces, Afghanistan
To: All Officers
Re: Homosexual Sensitivity training
As everyone by now knows, the president has signed the order rescinding Defense Directive 1304.26 – “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” As the DOD implements this policy change, all U.S. forces in every theater must receive integration training, otherwise known as “sensitivity training.”
This training will be immediately and will include every unit in this theater, including combat units, wherever they are operating.
At the battalion level, each unit will be joined by a Service Assistance Sexual Sensitivity Integration Expert (SASSIE) responsible for coordinating and overseeing training. The SASSIEs will assess the Beneficial Integration Coordination Horizon (BICH), which is the minimum time in which a unit can achieve sensitivity proficiency without sacrificing mission fulfillment capability.
Training will include regular screenings of the “Twilight” series and the establishment of squad-level book clubs. I’m happy to note that several of our larger bases already boast amateur theater groups (in fact, the production of “South Pacific” I saw last week at Wagram was commendable, and convinced me this transition will be problem-free.) I’ve been told that a massive airlift of Lady Gaga, Madonna and Train CDs is being readied state-side, and we should have them within the month. We’re installing full length mirrors in all men’s latrines, and are looking into getting hair care “product” stocked at larger bases.
This will be a sustained effort, but we are going to start it with a series of events to highlight the seriousness with which we take this integration:
Oscar Parties – Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every company sized-unit must organize its own Oscar party. Party should feature:
- One or more televisions with satellite link, turned on early enough that personnel won’t miss the red carpet.
- A dollar-in pool for best actress/actor/director/movie, as well as best/worse dressed
- Virgin Apple-tinis
- A selection of elegant hors d’ourves (canapé, phyllo purses, baked brie with apple-cranberry compote, etc.)
- Tissue for any particularly moving acceptance speeches
Bazaar Days – On days determined by the BICH, the SASSIEs will take each unit will to shop in the local bazaar. Given the scarceness of antique shops in this country, that will have to suffice. (Rumors of a “Crate & Barrel” outlet opening in Kandahar were just that – rumors.)
Semper Fabulous – recognizing the special esprit de corps of the Marines, they will have a special training program tailored to their needs.
High ‘n Tight – this seminar is specifically for non-coms and below, and teaches soldiers that there are things they can learn from their homosexual comrades, including personal grooming tips, housekeeping and how to create drama in even the most mundane situations.
I have the utmost confidence that the men and women of the Army, Air force and especially the Navy will make this transition with professionalism and dedication. I am confident as well that it will in no way impede our ability to fulfill our mission: the destruction of the Taliban and al Queda and the establishment of a peaceful, prosperous Afghanistan. We will accomplish that mission, and we’ll do it with a new sense of style and maybe a song on our lips.
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